Living and Dying
I remember, when I was younger I used to have horrible psychological problems. I don't know whether it was a few too many bad movies or knowing too little about the subject for a curious mind like mine, but there was a time where I could not stop myself from thinking about death. I remember thinking about it in school. I remember asking others about death(as if they've experienced it before). I remember having nightmares about it with me lying dead on the side of a road with cars and people just walking by. And although it was scary, it didn't scare me. It scared my parents enough to do something about it. They took me to see a psychologist for a while. I told her about my thoughts. She would ask me if I thought about killing myself or thought about loved ones dying. She came away thinking pretty much what I now see, at that time, I didn't know much about death and dying and didn't know how to express what I was feeling. Anyway, the one thing that stuck with me during that period was the last session(actually can't remember if it was more than one really). I'm sure some of you might be familiar with child psychology where such a psychologist will talk with a child while they ask the child to draw a picture, which would ultimately express how they're feeling if they can't verbally do so. Well, I drew Superman. You know the comic book character who is invulnerable.
I guess you can make of it what you want, but I eventually stopped having the dreams and the facinations. But I was still curious about the subject. My curiousity unfortunately became a bit more dire eight years ago when my brother was killed. It's a tough thing to describe how an experience like that makes you feel... or not feel. Between the time I was a child and October 12, 2000, I wondered what would it feel like. What would a person feel, not when they, themselves die, but someone close to them. I wondered what would I feel if my oldest brother, who is my idol, the man I can only dare to dream to be, what would I feel, if he died. I wondered what it would feel like if my twin brother died, the person who knows me the most, whether I like it or not, the person who's been with me my entire life. I thought about losing my father or my mother and how much meaning life would not have without her. It was a funny thing to hear people say at that time "I understand how you feel." I thought to myself "Wow, they had a brother who they imagined would be with them in their lives forever be taken away from them a world away without having a chance to say good-bye or I love you?" It didn't make sense to me. But as time passed and there where others, friends and family who lost their loved ones. Some of these deaths were sudden. Some were progressive. I don't think I could fathom any of what these people felt. I also remember in the wake of my brother's death, I noticed my mother being more affectionate than she has ever been. I noticed it from my brothers as well as my father. I wasn't sure if this was to be expected after a loved one dies or if something actually clicked with my family. It was more questions I did not have an answer to. One of the greater unanswered questions that did spark to my mind, which is worse, to lose a loved one suddenly or to watch them breakdown over time and die.
I knew what I felt was bad. But I did not know what could be worse or which would feel worse. I now know that the question of which is worse is irrelevant. Ever since I was a child, I wonder about the worse aspects of death and the adverse affects of death. Never did I even allow myself to think about what would be on the other side of the thought.Back to comic book reading. This week, I've been reading a book, The Punisher, the MAX series. Of course it was a guy who lost his family in a random crossfire and in return, he sought out to punish anyone who would fit the mold of the randomness that took his family, that prays on others. In this particular issue, Frank Castle had come across an awfully jaded woman who he shared a similar path. Needless to say, she was killed. However, while she lie dying, in Castle's hands, she asked him for a dying wish, which was revealed later in the book. Because I knew of the characters, I thought I knew what was she had asked, she had wanted those who wronged her to pay and also to have Castle take care of other obligations I won't spoil for fans. But I was wrong in my assumption. Halfway at least. Of course she had wanted Castle to punish those who did her wrong, which he did. But as she was dying, Castle told her(rather coldly), "I can't do nothing for you." She told him there was. Outside of what was known, she had asked Frank Castle to stay. She asked him to stay with her so she did not have to die alone.
It's a hard thing to lose someone. I think I finally found my answers. When my brother died, I regretted the time I did not have with him. I dispair over the time I will never be able to have with him. I won't be able to say good-bye. I won't be able to hold on to him, smile at him, hold his hand and make sure he knows that he's not alone. That he is loved and his life has all the more worth because he is loved and I could show him. The first part I knew. I knew I would not be able to be with him. Now, I know why it means so much. No one should die alone. Everyone should know they are loved and know and feel that love every moment of their lives for as long as they live.
My grandmother passed last week. She lived to be 84 years old. She was able to see her daughter become a heroic and courageous woman who raised four amazing children of her own. She was able to see her grandchildren find success and happiness. She was able to live a life with a grand family and have a husband for the thirty years they were together before he passed. I was told by my brother to enjoy the lives our elders and to learn from them. Not to learn about life, but to learn about their lives, their history, our history so it not be forgotten. I only wish I had more time. I am entirely greatful to God that I had the time that I did. I never knew my mother's father. He died before I was born. He lives on through his sons. My grandmother lived a full life. Her spirit lives on through her daughters. As much as they live on, as much as I can learn from them and will continue to learn from their children, they deserve to have the knowledge and the peace that they were loved, that they were appreciated and that they will indeed be missed.What I have learned about death is that no one should die alone.Our loved ones need to know that they were appreciated. That their life had cause and meaning and was full of life and love and they enhanced the lives of those around them. And they need to know it not in death, but in life.Please, do all you can to express your love to your family, no matter the circumstance or endeavor. Hold on to them. Enjoy them and enjoy your life. It is far to precious to be lost without living.
I guess you can make of it what you want, but I eventually stopped having the dreams and the facinations. But I was still curious about the subject. My curiousity unfortunately became a bit more dire eight years ago when my brother was killed. It's a tough thing to describe how an experience like that makes you feel... or not feel. Between the time I was a child and October 12, 2000, I wondered what would it feel like. What would a person feel, not when they, themselves die, but someone close to them. I wondered what would I feel if my oldest brother, who is my idol, the man I can only dare to dream to be, what would I feel, if he died. I wondered what it would feel like if my twin brother died, the person who knows me the most, whether I like it or not, the person who's been with me my entire life. I thought about losing my father or my mother and how much meaning life would not have without her. It was a funny thing to hear people say at that time "I understand how you feel." I thought to myself "Wow, they had a brother who they imagined would be with them in their lives forever be taken away from them a world away without having a chance to say good-bye or I love you?" It didn't make sense to me. But as time passed and there where others, friends and family who lost their loved ones. Some of these deaths were sudden. Some were progressive. I don't think I could fathom any of what these people felt. I also remember in the wake of my brother's death, I noticed my mother being more affectionate than she has ever been. I noticed it from my brothers as well as my father. I wasn't sure if this was to be expected after a loved one dies or if something actually clicked with my family. It was more questions I did not have an answer to. One of the greater unanswered questions that did spark to my mind, which is worse, to lose a loved one suddenly or to watch them breakdown over time and die.
I knew what I felt was bad. But I did not know what could be worse or which would feel worse. I now know that the question of which is worse is irrelevant. Ever since I was a child, I wonder about the worse aspects of death and the adverse affects of death. Never did I even allow myself to think about what would be on the other side of the thought.Back to comic book reading. This week, I've been reading a book, The Punisher, the MAX series. Of course it was a guy who lost his family in a random crossfire and in return, he sought out to punish anyone who would fit the mold of the randomness that took his family, that prays on others. In this particular issue, Frank Castle had come across an awfully jaded woman who he shared a similar path. Needless to say, she was killed. However, while she lie dying, in Castle's hands, she asked him for a dying wish, which was revealed later in the book. Because I knew of the characters, I thought I knew what was she had asked, she had wanted those who wronged her to pay and also to have Castle take care of other obligations I won't spoil for fans. But I was wrong in my assumption. Halfway at least. Of course she had wanted Castle to punish those who did her wrong, which he did. But as she was dying, Castle told her(rather coldly), "I can't do nothing for you." She told him there was. Outside of what was known, she had asked Frank Castle to stay. She asked him to stay with her so she did not have to die alone.
It's a hard thing to lose someone. I think I finally found my answers. When my brother died, I regretted the time I did not have with him. I dispair over the time I will never be able to have with him. I won't be able to say good-bye. I won't be able to hold on to him, smile at him, hold his hand and make sure he knows that he's not alone. That he is loved and his life has all the more worth because he is loved and I could show him. The first part I knew. I knew I would not be able to be with him. Now, I know why it means so much. No one should die alone. Everyone should know they are loved and know and feel that love every moment of their lives for as long as they live.
My grandmother passed last week. She lived to be 84 years old. She was able to see her daughter become a heroic and courageous woman who raised four amazing children of her own. She was able to see her grandchildren find success and happiness. She was able to live a life with a grand family and have a husband for the thirty years they were together before he passed. I was told by my brother to enjoy the lives our elders and to learn from them. Not to learn about life, but to learn about their lives, their history, our history so it not be forgotten. I only wish I had more time. I am entirely greatful to God that I had the time that I did. I never knew my mother's father. He died before I was born. He lives on through his sons. My grandmother lived a full life. Her spirit lives on through her daughters. As much as they live on, as much as I can learn from them and will continue to learn from their children, they deserve to have the knowledge and the peace that they were loved, that they were appreciated and that they will indeed be missed.What I have learned about death is that no one should die alone.Our loved ones need to know that they were appreciated. That their life had cause and meaning and was full of life and love and they enhanced the lives of those around them. And they need to know it not in death, but in life.Please, do all you can to express your love to your family, no matter the circumstance or endeavor. Hold on to them. Enjoy them and enjoy your life. It is far to precious to be lost without living.
posted by Shogunn at 11:55 PM
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