Epiphany

"Trust and I will show."

That is the one thing I am absolutely sure I haven't built my life around... then again, it is also what I've relied on. On one side is trust. On the other, faith. Both, seemingly may be the same, but they aren't. For me they have completely opposing meaning. One has utterly destroyed my life, while the other has given me the stength and will to live as I am. But it's going to be a fight within me as it has been in the past, but now I realize it is no longer a stalemate.

Throughout my whole life I have been the type of person who had to keep everything to myself. All my feelings, all my thoughts and emotions were my own. I don't exactly remember how I learned this behavior or what prompted me to do this, but I never liked complaining much. I didn't think and still think it won't get me much of anywhere. The only place it will get me is to give others an idea of how I feel and what I think. And that, I realize moreso than ever is a double-edged sword. If you are reading this now, it's probably clear to you that I have no problem expressing myself, but in my life, that has been the struggle that has defeated me.

I have often been afraid of other opinions outside of my own. I never wanted others to dislike me and I tried not to give anyone much reason to. I always tried to please. I never wanted to be helpless, I wanted to make sure I did not fail anyone for any reason. In order to do this, I had to rely on myself and that made me proud. However to this end, I trace this back to middle school. I wanted to be everything to everyone and wanted them all to like me. So I put myself out a bit. I was nice. I played good. I hung out with the various groups that simply did not exist back in elementry school, but I wanted them too because it was what I knew. But it were these different groups and personalities growing up and apart that did something to me. People who I became close to were not as close as I wanted. People, I thougth were friends, rather out-grew me or did not care to nurture our friendships. Those I did rely on as a part of putting myself out left me and I was really hurt. It is around this age of 12 to 15 that a kid needs lasting relationships for stability and trust. The problem seemed like everyone I put my trust in left me. From best friends, to crushes to just those I casually thought would be there with me. The list could go on, from David, to Maryland, to Kathy, to Rodney and Mary, Duane, Anthony, and endless others. Every year, every time I built enough trust, someone would leave. And going through that, at that time was really, really painful. Painful enough to the extent that I cared not to relive any of it ever again. I slowly, but damn well surely turned inward. I still was a socaible and likeable person, but less and less did I actually "talk" with people.

I couldn't trust them. I never knew when they would leave, if they would give up on me or if they would betray me or simply not be there if I needed them. I couldn't trust anyone. I turned more away from my family, whatever friends I had and it got to the extent, I became afraid of people. It's an odd turn of events, but my greatest fear was and still is getting close to others, whether it be for a simple ask for help or even to establish a relationship of some form, I cannot out of fear. I am afraid they may not like what I have to offer or despite whatever I do offer, I cannot trust them to make my life better. I've recently started to say that no one can live my life, but me. So asking for help is a pointless gesture because ultimately I am the one who has to be willing to improve and that starts from within, not outside. And so that was my excuse all throughout high school. I never dated. I did not go to many social functions outside of sports. No parties, no hanging out with friends on friday and saturday nights, no nothing. I didn't even go to my Prom, under the pretense that I was broke(which I was), but I wasn't about to go and have to be with someone, anyone. I was afraid. Every relationship I had turned out to rather turn against me or disappear.

And so college came along and the whole process of severing relationships and creating new ones was to be repeated all over again. Then I didn't care as much. I met people. Nice people. All seem to be going through about the same experience I was of a introduction into a fresh enviornment. But my introverted fear still dominated my personality. I'd get close enough to have friends, but nothing more. But then there was May, which just happen to be the name(nickname or last name) of a number of those relationships from the past. May was my first real relationship. I, we had a lot of fun. It was nice to be with someone who I knew wanted to be with me. It was like magic. I know that sounds corny and childish, but I don't know of a better way to describe it. I hadn't had anything like that before. And I enjoyed it. Appearently not enough though. I was so busy enjoying myself and having fun that I had little appreciation for what I had. She actually loved me and that gave me great comfort and also a unsettling feeling everything she would tell me because I could not feel the same. And in usual form, I kept her away as well. This time, it was in a differnt form, but it was the same thing: fear.

And now, nearly six years after that, much hasn't changed. I have come to the realization of the fear that has been a cancer on my life and relationships, but it hasn't changed anything. It has become so engrained, so regimented that I feel as if I cannot change who I am. It would take some serious deprogramming, but I cannot depgrogram because that's not who I am. It's like a Catch 22. This evergrowing and lasting fear that has ruled my life has decapitated the meaning of trust for me. I honestly feel and I am proven right time after time that people cannot be trusted. They will always betray me in some way or another.

Faith. Oddly enough, it's been the one thing that I have relied on in my life. From all of what I've experienced, because of my lack of trust in others, my self-reliance has caused me to have absolute faith in myself. If there is anything wrong, or anything I need to do or anything I need to change, my faith in myself is what drives me to complete. It's going back to what I've said previously, no one can or would live my life but me, myself and I. I have to do what I can to fulfill life for myself. If I lacked faith in myself at all, I could not live. I am the only person I know I can trust because, again, I'm the only one living my life.

And it's just uncanny to feel the struggle between the two that on the surface appear similar, but have given me two seperate out-looks on life. One one hand, my life has taught me that I cannot trust anyone and on the other to have absolute faith in myself. And my life has been tormented. Deep inside I've always wanted love and to love. I've always wanted acceptance. It's a fundamental thing most human beings ask for in life, to be wanted, apprecaited and loved. Not taken for granted, forgotten or ignored. And I've had my share of the latter three in my life. But all I've ever wanted and could ask for is to be accepted for who I am and not for what I've done or what I'll become. And it is impossible to find those who will not judge you, but I've found one thus far.

Regina Rochelle Randolph came into my life about seven years ago. I met her that first year of college and back then we were just cool. It was a time where we all were in that new enviornment and we were kind of feeling each other out. From her, I felt a good person who seemed nieve enough to be nice a lot, which was great for me. As the months passed and as freshman year evolved to sophmore year, many of those relationships I had fell through like par, but by then it was to be expected and hurt me a little less(except for May of course). But one relationship that did last was with Regina and I wasn't sure why. We weren't really similar. We didn't have a lot in common. She seemed pretty fun and tolerated a lot of the bore that was my life, which amazed me, most couldn't and still can't, but she did. One thing I did like about Regina was, I think she still won't admit this, but she grew up, I would say a little... sheltered. Well it was to the extent that a lot of the things she was experiencing was new. Things like movies. I liked movies. I loved watching them. Hell, I practically ran the campus film's committee weekends. Gina growing up, did not watch a lot of movies or much of the same t.v. I did growing up. So with her being around, we really didn't have anyone else so we kinda stuck to each other. We watch a lot of movies. I was always trying to introduce her to a movie she never saw and hoped she shared my same taste(she'll tell you she doesn't). But it felt great to finally be able to share with someone and to have someone to talk with. I could talk to her about things that were on my mind and I found she did the same. And as annoying as I thought she was in the beginning, she really grew on me. We were like peas and carrots!

But I just got way off on a tangent with Gina. What I wanted to say was about her faith. Not her faith in herself or other people, but her faith in God. This was one source of contempt and bitterness that sprouted between us. It was fun though, she didn't think it was such fun. She thought(and still thinks) that my being Catholic and not a church-going one at that was just terrible. She had a strong opinion against Catholics and many other religions, but her faith and belief in God was unshakable, which took me off guard. I never knew someone with as much faith as her. And it's that faith that I never picked up on. As much as Gina grew on me, that part of her never attached. I really wanted it to. Seemingly people who do have religion who have strong faith seem to have and lead better, happier lives. Now, that's my observation. And I have to say I have ALWAYS admired that. But I never felt I was worthy or ready for such adoration.

But to make a long story short, today I was complaining to a co-worker that I can't seem to trust anyone. They'll always betray me or fail me in some way and I feel wrecked afterwards because of my blind trust. And I was really feeling it today. But then my co-worker told me "Well, there is someone you can absolutely trust..." And I knew exactly what she was going to say. It's been said for ages and it sounds a little redundant... until now for some reason. She said I can trust God. I rolled my eyes and thought to myself, that sounds like something I could see Gina saying, though I don't think she never thrusted that upon me that way. But now, I thought about it. Who can I trust? Why should I trust God? Would God ever betray my trust? Would God ever fail me? But now, I'm thinking I've been too selfish and looking at it backward. Can God trust me? Why should he? What have I done to be worthy of his trust? Will I ever betray God's trust in me? And I know I have, but has God forgiven me? And should God forgive me? Will I fail God? Thinking of it that way gives me a different sort of fear. Not a fear of people, but a fear of a higher power, a different life, beyond this one. If there is any single entity I should be afraid of disappointing or letting down in any way, it shouldn't be my boss, my friends, Regina or even my family. I shouldn't let down God. And I don't think I want to.

Now, I know I am far from perfect. I realized that a long time ago and I can never be. But I always strive to be better than myself and now I think I am a little stronger or at least I know I can be. My faith in myself has been misplaced. I can only be better by placing my faith in the only one I can ever truly trust without question or pause and that is God. I can hardly believe I'm writing this, but I think it's true. I realize no longer do I have to rely on myself. I can also rely on God, as I should have done in the first place.

On my way home I heard a song entitled "You will know" and it helped me see things:

You will know
Troubled heart you'll know
Problems have solutions
Trust and I will show

You will know
Troubled heart you'll know
Every life has reason
For I made it so

Maybe if you trust, it will show you too.

For the first time in what has to be forever, I think I will do something tonight that is a little out of character. Not only will I do it, but I will be serious about it. I've always wanted a better life, now it's time for someone else to help me along and it's time I asked.

I'm going to pray.